End of the year wrap up

     "I will not lay myself down to die when I go to my grave my head will be high"

If you know me at all you know that I am thoroughly obsessed with this quote and the film that it comes from. I didn't know where to start, or where to go, or exactly what it is that I wanted to say in this last blog for the year, so I figured why not start from a place of comfort. I've been so wrapped up in reality that I've failed to take a moment to reflect. As I look back at this year, at the many different categories and facets of life that make up who I am, I must say it has been interesting to say the least.  As I get further and further away from college life, and deeper into my career as a teacher and closer to who I  am as a writer I've noticed a great change in my values and expectations. When I started this blog over two years ago I was a mere college graduate looking for direction, and this blog served as a ranting space. Then I looked back at the writing from the beginning of this very year and I believe I was still in that same head space, preoccupied with an endless search, tormented by the failures in my past, and just harboring this detrimental anger.  Self destruction at best my teaching and writing began to suffer at the cause of my own hand until the unimportant things stopped being important.

With re-evaluation and adjusted focus I stopped worrying about the appearance of my reality and starting being an active participant in the life I wanted to live. I stopped thinking of teaching as a job and actually fell in love with what it is that I do. I stopped being afraid of sounding just average in my writing and was able to just pour every part of me into words. My insecurities, my fears, my pain, my joy all surfaced beautifully into some of the greatest writing I've done so far.  But most importantly I was able to avoid the insane loop that we often fall into by trying to mold and shape those we care about into becoming what it is that we want them to be. This was my most difficult accomplishment as I've always connected acceptance with failure. I learned that accepting those that you love sometimes means loving them from a distance so you both can live in peace. Acceptance isn't giving up, it is a mature decision to aid you filter those that you must maintain and sustain, and those you must wish well.

Overall I can't say 2012 was my year, or that it was the best year I've ever lived but I did learn and I did grow and in the end thats all that matters. There was good, there was bad, there were tests I had to take, barriers I had to overcome but in the end I am here. Progression is the key and all I can wish for is to keep progressing towards a better version of who I already am. Not a different version, not a new version… just better.

Happy New Year Everyone!
MJB

15 minutes of fame… 300 words or less

                 I can honestly say that this time period is one of the most stressful times of the year for many people for many different reasons. No matter what the reason is, many people face a heightened sense of emotions during the holiday season, that often makes every little thing, seem like a big thing. I've been currently assisting my senior students during their stressful time of need: applying to college. I must say I've become extremely empathetic in regards to their struggles with the application process. They've particularly struggled with completing their college essay because they haven't quite mastered how to translate who they are into 300 words or less. It seems that as adults we haven't quite mastered that feat either. While reading countless first drafts, and correcting one grammar error after another I stumbled onto a quite unique essay topic that I haven't come across before.
          "Andy Warhol once said, 'In the future everyone will be world famous for 15 minutes'. Describe what your 15 minutes will be like" I can't say I was blown away by the student's response, but it did however begin a deeper thought process for me, as well as spark the idea behind this entry. Unfortunate in the eyes of others I'm sure, I have been positively described as someone who undoubtedly follows a "live fast, die young" mantra. However I do not want that to be confused with the newly popularized "YOLO" lifestyle that people are hopelessly and selfishly clinging to. Every day I wake up is a gift, an opportunity to live that day to its fullest potential. It is not an opportunity to make harmful, foolish decisions under the guise of living on the edge, or "only living once". I do indeed "live fast" because I do not believe in the provisions of living to plan.  Creating goals are important as it sets up an end, but I don't want to draw out the map, I want to create it as I go. I know where I want to end up, and how I get there can change so often that mapping it out takes away from the actual living part of life.
               This thought process was my initial road block to achieving a viable answer to the aforementioned essay topic. How can I describe what my fifteen minutes of fame will be when I choose not to plan the minutes directly ahead of me. Of course I could BS the answer and state my fifteen minutes will be filled with triumph, and love, while avoiding pain, heartache, and disappointment. But how would that set my fifteen minutes apart from any one else's? How would that response be unique enough to catch the attention of a 160 character or less society, let alone an admissions board. The best answer I can give is also my most honest answer: I don't know. And thats the beauty and the nightmare of it all. I don't know if my fifteen minutes of fame are behind me, lie ahead of me, or if I'm at minute 7 right now. What I can positively state is I won't be around forever, and while I may not know or be able to creatively speculate what my outcome will be, I can be held accountable for the now. I can control what I do now, and hope it affects the world the way I intend it to. I can only hope that my intentions are always construed as good. I want to be someone they can never forget, leave just enough positive in the world to be more than a memory, and in this way my presence will always be felt. If this so happens to be the case then I will be satisfied with the fact that my fifteen minutes of fame were spent making sure I was infinite.