Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Defining Template

"There are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like"

About three weeks ago I fell asleep on a Saturday evening rather early even by my standards. I randomly woke up at 3am to an overwhelming amount of text messages from various group chats mostly pertaining to the current NBA playoffs. As I feigned interest in the random messages and musings of my friends I reached an extremely long individual text. I thought about momentarily disregarding the message until I fully woke up the next morning strictly due to the immensity of that text bubble. For a reason unbeknownst to even myself I decided to tackle the text in essay format incase it was an emergency or extremely interesting story that couldn't wait until the morning. What I got was neither an emergency or gossip filled story… what I got was much better. I received a bit of insight, but more so confirmation to what I feared I already knew.  
"These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable."
I've included a small excerpt of what I received, but I read and read and re-read that text for what seemed like forever. I then decided to take this one step further. The words took such a firm grasp on my thoughts I decided to share them to hear the thoughts and opinions of others. After many immediate "wows" and "thats true" responses, the conversations grew into a deeper place that most people don't like to think about let alone go back to.  Though the text was perceived from many differing perspectives, the general consensus was in agreement with the overall message that author of these words was trying to get across. We all have that ONE person who defines what love is for us whether we want to admit it or not. This one person subconsciously controls how we communicate and deal with people we choose to interact with on a romantic level. Undoubtedly each person I sent this text to was able to immediately select who that person was for them, and reflect on the progress or damage that particular person may have caused.

The main goal wasn't to rehash old feelings or bring up long forgotten and buried memories, it was and opportunity to realize that the one person that has set the template for how we view and approach love is only the gun shot at the beginning of your race. They are not your finish line. The ideals, and standards you possess are tied to them in some way but that doesn't define where or who you will end up with. My most interesting conversation and perceptive view on the matter came from a close friend who initially struggled with the concept of what this message was relaying to its audience. The person who defines love for her is not the person she is with. These two men can actually be defined as the exact opposite of one another, however the person she is currently with is the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. How could this be?! This brought an in-depth conversation surrounding the concept of using your template to steer you in the opposite direction of how that love was defined and portrayed. Using this person doesn't necessarily have to constrict you to finding, shaping, or molding a love like the one you initially had. It could be just the opposite. Their love can help steer you in a new direction that is predominately productive for the life you are trying to live and the love you know you deserve. There is a great difference between thinking and knowing and that template should be used to help you "know" for certain who or what it is that you want.  

And it is with that I end my thoughts on this particular passage as I do not fully agree with the ending. I don't think having a particular person "control" or "define" how I see things in regards to love as a loss.  That however is because I tend to classify everything as a learning experience rather than a loss or a regret. At one particular time it was a gain, it was what I wanted therefore I can not regret the fleeting moments that have passed. I see this definer as just that a definition. A group of words/ thoughts/ feelings/ actions placed together to give a particular thing or feeling a meaning. In my world the definer doesn't get to dictate its use as that is completely up to me. I choose rather to appreciate the lessons taught and use them accordingly for future reference. With that power in my choice that can never be a loss.

"The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."


  1. Very nicely put Mel! I LOVE your blog. It always, always gives me a new perspective about one of life's many situations. Keep up the great work :)

  2. Cindy!! I miss you! Thanks for the comment!!