"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."
As a writer I am no stranger to fiction, creating fantasy, and building perfection between my characters. As a human I am no stranger to pain, struggle, and human nature. With the blending of these two I've decided to tackle one of the most cliche topics but ever so interesting and entertaining. While I am no master of the topic I hope to offer some form of incite based off what I have witnessed and experienced. In my short under developed twenty two years of life I have encountered what I would now call many learning experiences and connections. Some stronger than others, some longer than others but none more important than the other. I say this now as a much wiser fool. You see I feel that interaction builds into a connection and a connection can possibly lead to a relationship. When I think about what I define a relationship as now I realize I was sadly mistaken to think that at age 16 or at age 20 I had what it takes to build a true meaningful relationship. Don't get me wrong I believe with all the certainty in my heart that it can be done but it is much more difficult during those time periods. Why? You can not build a relationship with another if you haven't build a solid relationship with yourself first.
Before it is possible to instill all of this trust, love, hopes and dreams into someone else you have to instill it in yourself first. I've seen so many variations of relationships that fall onto to spectrum from healthy to abusive. With all of the relationships I've witnessed and the connections I've built it is sometimes really sad and bleak to look forward into the future. I do not base this solely on the male gender because the women have just as a big role to play in the matter. With divorce rates being so high, single parents, and music videos raising generation after generation meaningful generations seem far and few. These factors are not the only deciding factors and I will use myself as an example. My parents are still together and have just celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary. They certainly did not allow the television to raise me and demonstrate such a strong love that while it may confuse me from time to time I can see the hard work and dedication that prevents their love from falling apart. When I look at myself I do not see the qualities that they bring to their relationship instilled in me. I have taken my connections and disconnections in stride as learning experiences as a tread forward in search of something I can't even specify to myself.
For so long I couldn't quite put my finger on why disconnect was so much simpler for me. I have figured that my fear doesn't stem from being hurt but more from the fear of losing myself. I have battled so long to finally be comfortable with every piece of who I am that when I see the compromise that others must make in relationships I choose myself every time. These relationships that I have seen and the connections I have been involved in have all placed a specific member against a wall where they must choose themselves or the relationship. I myself have been guilty of doing the same when given the upper hand. It is impossible to think that anyone would be okay with losing who they are. That anyone would chose to be a "we" instead of a me". It is a sad situation to witness and even sadder to be apart of.
While many may think I have "trust" issues or don't want to open up. I find that thought completely absurd. I know who I trust… me. I know who I can always open up to… me. And as I grow further and further in love with myself and get a little bit smarter with each passing day I can say with out a doubt that the moments when I've felt most alive, most beautiful, most cared about, and most loved isn't when I was called baby, or honey, or princess… it is when I am called Mel. Because that is who I am, this is who I will always be, and this is when I feel like I am most understood.
"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."